Friday, March 12, 2010

Dreams can FEEL so REAL...

Soooo I just heard THEEE funniest thing on the EARTH! My friend told me about this dream she had and I HAD to share with you guys! So apparently she was having a dream that felt so real that she didn't know it was a dream until she woke up. So lets put you in her mind set:

She's in an unknown room with her co-worker and oddly, the room has a bed. I say oddly because she has a boyfriend. So, she's in this room and all of a sudden they begin to have sex. She said he was giving it to her like she has NEVER had it before. So they are getting it in, nails scratching the headboard, face in the pillows, sheets coming off the bed and all kinds of elbow &knee burns. So as he's giving her this PHENOMENAL sex she has the most explosive orgasm of her entire LIFE!

Apparently she came so hard that it woke her up only to find out, not only was it a dream but the orgasmic lady juices were none of the such. In fact she didn't cum at all... she PEED herself because (and I quote) "it felt so real... I thought I was really having sex!" LMFAOOOO... Word to the wise, never cum so hard from a dream where you pee the bed at 25! I think the worst part is, the best sex of her life wasn't even real! CLASSIC

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Abstinence Failing

A little while ago, I wrote a blog about abstaining from sex until I got to the point of a relationship. Ohhhh yall, I need help because I'm starting to cave. I have virtually no memory left to download anymore porn on my phone and I have broken another vibrator. I think I need to find something that plugs into the wall because these double A battery joints are just money down the drain. Not to mention, I may need a wrist guard because I almost snapped it tryna finish after my vibrator broke. Annnnd to top it all off, I have temptation now. I have a little crush on this guy and it's taking a WHOLE lot of talking myself out of doing a whole lot of unbloggable things with him. So far its just texting every now and then and flirting but one of these days, I'm afraid I'm gonna slip up and ON him. Noooooo, I gotta be strong. Welp, it's clear I need a second job to support this big battery bill.

I Can't Win

So, I've just had an epiphany. I've realized that the guys that I wouldn't ordinarily date don't take me seriously because they are convinced I am always gonna be up to something, on the prowl, or just up and leave. Then, the guys who "look" like I am supposed to date them are always IMMATURE! This shit is sad but funny. For example there was a guy I dated on and off for a little while and he was convinced I was always with someone else when I didn't answer my phone or whenever I canceled on him. He w0uld always say, "I don't wanna know about the other guys" but truthfully there was never really anyone else. He was sort of a cool nerd or something. Actually just a very "Average Joe." Every guy didn't know him and every girl hasn't slept with him. Not a lot of drama but there was always that "she's with someone else" mentality that he had because of how I looked and carried myself. I want you to feel lucky you got me but DAMNNNN, chill. ARRRGGG... Then lets go to the opposite end of the spectrum. There is the sarcastic ass that can actually HANDLE all that is ME but in true fashion, he wants to handle me and every other girl. His life is just too much. Too many groupies, both male and female or just immature. This only leads to issues... therefore, I can't win for losing. There is no happy medium! An intelligent, smartass doesn't exist. You know, one that's mature but hasn't lost his "bad boy" edge. I think I need some play-doh to create him. I guess I want a super villain with super hero tendencies. I'll let yall know how this turns out

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

If You Blink, He'll Cheat

My friends are SO reckless.. There are nothing but jerks in my life and I guess that's what makes my life so interesting. Well, this weekend... I got the call with the mother of all fuckery! My friend, we'll call him "Peanut" (it's a well thought out analysis of why we're calling him that), calls me and tells me... Are you ready? A girl that he met at a birthday party about a week or two ago was at the same party he was at on Saturday. A little back story on this girl: They were both REALLY drunk at the birthday and started getting a little frisky. Needless to say, two drunk people feeling each other up in public isn't a good look... ESPECIALLY when there are SEVERAL friends of the guy's girlfriend in the vicinity. As soon as the party is over, "Peanut's" girlfriend already knows what happened. She forgives him... Fast forward to Saturday. He sees the girl that almost cost him his relationship and they start up again because once again, they're drunk. While he's out and about being a slut... his girlfriend is back at his house, WAITING for her loving boyfriend. (ohhhh it gets better) After things get hot and heavy enough, he takes the girl back to his GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE... flips over ALL of the pictures that are all over the house and tells the chick that he's house sitting for his sister. Takes the girl down on his girl's bed. Oh, but no worries... he was polite. He laid a blanket down. LOL... THIS is why I don't trust men! Yall are always up to NO GOOD!

Neighbors May NOT Know His Name...

So, as I'm writing this blog I am on the phone with one of my good friends. Probably the most reckless male you will ever meet. During this conversation the topic of talking during sex came up (No, we do not engage in such activities with each other... he's a slore but I love him like the brother I never wanted). He prefers to remain silent during sex. He feels the need to bee "cool" in ALL of his. This includes sex as well. His theory is that if he says too much, he'll seem like a cornball. His example (and I quote) "I don't wanna be in the room talking about 'oohhh pu*#y, pu#&y... yeah, yeah, ohhh this is wet, wet, dripping wet... oh yeah.. Pu&@y!!!" (there was laughter). Now, maybe it's just me but women (again, I can only speak for me) want to hear a little reaction other than breath. I stop acting like a deaf mute because you want to be cool. Some of us, need a little motivation. We wanna if we are doing a good job... granted, please don't ask me 21 questions, I didn't sign up for a quiz. Don't say things that are obvious, or just plain corny. Don't ask me your, you already know. Don't ask me who it belongs because it's mine... I live with it everyday, I think I deserve ownership. Also, guys, STOP being opposed to text sex... it's healthy! lol

Just for shits and giggles... I found 101 dirty talk examples... some made laugh, others made me cry but none the less entertaining:

Monday, March 1, 2010

From My Gutter Mind To Yours

There are some people who were referred to my blog to read the obscure sexual thoughts that go on in my head and sent me a few facebook messages asking me to round em all up in one blog for new readers to read. So, if you're here because your friend told you I was a perv (well, I am... sorry Mom) or about my willingness to admit my addiction to porn or the fact that I almost snapped my wrist masturbating or the fact that I'm trying to help a few folks out with lighting "The Fire" then here are some of the blogs you probably want to read: