Thursday, September 2, 2010

Sex Buffet


As some of you already know (those of you how are Facebook friends of mine), I've recently gained six pounds in ONE week. I didn't notice until I almost broke a hip trying to get into a pair of jeans. Let me just say, Drake was NOT lying when he said "it took a half an hour just to get that belt to fasten." Ordinarily, normal people would have just found a new pair to put on but once I got em over one hip, I knew it would take a bottle of baby oil, God and all of his angels to get them off before work. So, I went ahead and took the end of a brush and shoved the rest of my ass in my jeans, litterally. Once I got to work, it dawned on me. I eat whenever there is a... ummm.. "party in my pants" ... so, that's six pounds of horny in one week. My old faithful readers know that in some past blogs I took a vow to be celibate, regardless of my apparent addicition to the "diction". Here's the thing, I CAN do it... UNTIL... I "do it". Then all of a sudden I'm changing panties more than Lil Wayne changes "new" baby mommas. Welp, one week ago I smashed the chasitity belt... now I'm living life like a crack fiend. You can't do lines with a coke head and then think they won't inhale you out of house, home and powdered sugar. So, now I'm back on my BULL ISHT. I hope he knows I can get VIOLENT if I don't get IT... Y'all wish this man good luck

Technical Difficulties

Hang on people... I'm tryna get this shit together... My last blog I wrote is lost in cyber space

Monday, August 30, 2010

Prince of the P%#&y

Everybody knows I love me some Michael Jackson like nobody's business and I will bet my money on him EVERYTIME BUT Prince makes songs that will have you feeling all some type of way... Seriously, this Prince mix has me looking for a pole RIGHT NOW!!! Ladies, if "Adore" by Prince doesn't make you wanna do a lil swirl and a dance for ya man then... Kill Yourself! The understanding of the essence that is Prince comes with age because at 19 this song ain't do to me what it's doing now. Listen, then get to a bathroom quick because you will need some alone time if you give into the song... Go on... you deserve it... give in!


Summer Lovin!


For those of you who don't know... I moved to the east coast and let me just tell you, it's hot as demon piss out here. Then it's sticky too... not that I don't like hot and sticky, because I do.. Matter of fact I don't even know what I was about to say, negative, about this weather... Any reason to be in daisy dukes or a dress is fine by me. *Runs out to go get a big stick* (No pun intended... at least I don't think so)

PSA: For the new readers... I have a sick addiction to lust. Sorry in advance. It always sneaks its way into my posts

Friendly FUCKING Skies


Recently I went back to Puerto Rico. For those of you who are too lazy to read my first blog, I used to live there, briefly. While I was there I made a pretty awesome friend that I kept in contact with. She happen to see a pic of a friend of mine... he was just her type. Long story short, me and 4 guys set off to San Juan!

First of all, my trip to get there was the trip from hell. The guys got there before I did and I was gonna land and we were hitting the club as soon as I got there. I was gonna do my make up in Miami during my layover then 2hrs later freshen up and hit the streets. Well APARENTLY American Airlines ain't give NO FUCKS about my life plan. I went in the bathroom and put on a full face of makeup and walked out to see 10:30pm instead of 9:25pm on the screen. I asked the lady "Excuse me, ummmm are we taking a really fast jet that will get us there in an hr instead of two?" She said "No, thats the new flight time" At this point I'm mad but I will make the club... UNTIL...

10:30pm came and they announce our plane is broken... at 11:00pm they get us a new plane but at 11:30pm they have no clue where our plane is in the sky... Really? Lose the plane in the atmosphere huh? At 12:15am they tell us they still can't find a plane but at 12:30am they tell us they we gotta move to a different gate!!! So now we are at this new gate boarding at 1am! Needless to say, I almost burned all of Miami down. LeBron and HIS TALENTS. I told the lady "Listen, if you don't upgrade my ticket or give me some extra damn cookies, you will NEVER fly another friendly sky in the United States of these Americas." She ain't do shit but sit me next to the most talkative man on EARTH

After the trip you know they had the nerve to give me a crappy ass 3000 miles on my account. This sounds good but I need at least 15000 to get on a damn plane. Where the shit am I going with 3000 miles?!?!? If I was my mom she woulda gotten free flights for the year! Companies are just scared of her like that...

The Legend of "The Suction"


For years now, I have been searching for this mythical vibrator that I call “The Suction“. I say mythical because I have been in sex stores across the nation (literally… Cali, Louisiana and Maryland) yet nobody has it! I saw it online like 2 years ago…. Yeah, that’s what I do online so don’t judge me *shrugs* Anywho, I have been looking for this vibrator that sucks and licks, moves mountains, takes you to bottom of the sea, to the deepest valley, across the desert and back again! Throw a lil lube in it and it’s supposed to be life changing .

Well I recently found out that my best friend wandered her hot ass into the Hustler store and FOUND IT! I was happy for her (these are monumental things in our lives, like marriage or a promotion) but I wanted to stone that bitch to death because she had the NERVE to tell me “Yeah girl… I got the last one”. Like, how rude is that?!?! She said it worked so well, she didn’t wake up til 5pm the next day, after she figured out how to do it the right way. Then I found out it doesn’t have to run on batteries which is a “blessing” because I have more broken vibrators than used vaginas on Hollywood Blvd on a Saturday night during the BET Awards. Now, I encourage all of you to find and experience the magic that is “The Suction.”

Welcome Back!


Heyyyyyyyyy...

Well… It’s been a long time and I was reluctant to come back because I was drawing blanks… No topics in sight. Me and the 87 people were shut down, closed for business! Then one of the saner of the 87 said “Hey… just type”

A few things are gonna be a little different this time around… whoa, chill people… I’m still gonna say what I say it the way I say it BUT this time I want YOUR input. Well… It’s been a long time and I was reluctant to come back because I was drawing blanks… No topics in sight. Me and the 87 people were shut down, closed for business! Then one of the saner of the 87 said “Hey… just type”

A few things are gonna be a little different this time around… whoa, chill people… I’m still gonna say what I say it the way I say it BUT this time I want YOUR input. Iono how we are gonna get that done but we’ll figure it out. For instance, if you want me to talk about something… let me know! I’m gonna try to get some video blogs up annnnnd lastly, I’m gonna give you guys my deadlines so you know when the next blog is coming!

So here we go.. “WE’RE BAAAAAAACK”


Next Blog: Sept 1st . For instance, if you want me to talk about something… let me know! I’m gonna try to get some video blogs up annnnnd lastly, I’m gonna give you guys my deadlines so you know when the next blog is coming!

So here we go.. “WE’RE BAAAAAAACK”


Next Blog: Sept 1st (but I'm feeling creative tonight so I may crank out about 5)