Saturday, February 27, 2010

Quickest Orgasim EVER

Get your mind out the gutter... We keeping it well rounded around these parts my lovelies...

I want to share some of the things that I swear almost made me have to change my underwear:

Brian Atwood Lattice- Front Pump

Alexander McQueen Fatigue Peep-Toe Bootie

Gucci Sigrid Platform Sandal

Michael Kors Cut Out Sandal

Yves Saint Laurent Chloris 105 Sandal

Marc Jacobs Rio Quilted Tote

Prada Zip Hobo

Michael Kors Skorpios Pleated Hobo

Spring, we'll be waiting on you!!! Cheap spring buys: Coming SOON!!!

Jay- Z comes to NOLA

For my sister's birthday, she got tickets to the Jay-Z concert and we had the BEST time ever. Really funny because she is the biggest Jay-Z fan on earth. She isn't one of the groupie types, I mean hard core fan. You can go bar for bar with her all the back to Reasonable Doubt. She was sooooo hype when he came out! She almost knocked me down!

Trey Songz opened the show and he did such a great job. He can sing is ass off. I've always thought he was a lil cute but he is REALLY handsome in person. I was actually shocked! But when I tell you that man can see somebody out of their panty draws, I mean it. He coulda sang me outta mine. Not to have sex tho, he can just have em and let me go on about my life (my loins have an urge for someone else, in real life... NOPE, I'm not telling! He might read this on the low... lol). I think the funniest part had to be the moment Trey stepped on stage. Every girl RUSHED the front. I looked back and saw like 30 chicks running down the stairs looking like a slutty avalanche. I'd been wondering why the women had on mini dresses at a hip-hop concert, it all made sense after that. They wanted to be the one who was "Goin' home with Triggaaaaa"

Jeezy came out and did his thing in the middle of Hov's set and he had the whole arena MOVING. Everybody looked like they were about to go rob a bank after the show let out. He didn't do my verse from "Hood Nigga" (that's my drunk in the club song). Usually when that verse comes on in the club I'm the ONLY girl, with a Cosmo in hand screaming "Bitch what's happenin' known to get it crackin..." (I told you, there is a little hoodrat who lives inside of me). He did do my other song though "Hold up wait one muthafuckin' minute" I think I really love the way he starts his verses off because he's so RUDE!

Long story short. Jay-Z was DOPE... he didn't too many old joints but it's all good. "Want my old shit? Buy my old album" I pointed out the bounce in the car and made the song cry on the way home.

Dumbass Fallback Careers

This particular BAD habit strikes a horrible nerve with me. People who have no "Plan B." Don't get me wrong, if your "Plan A" is full proof, then fine. If your "Plan A" makes sense, then fine. If your "Plan A" requires rigourous training and a demand for the position, then fine.

BUT some of you who want to be rockstars and basketball players either have no "Plan B" or the dumbest fall back careers I've ever heard of in my entire LIFE. Don't hope to be the next Kobe Bryant and if that doesn't work, you want Dave Stern's job. WTF?!?!?! Or If you don't make it to the NFL you are gonna become a Rocket Scientist. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? So in between practices you were in the lab creating jet fuel?!?!? Rocket Science isn't something you just decide, "Oh I got an 'A' in Biology in the 10th grade and an 'A' in Chemistry my senior year."

I understand some of you believe your mixtape is THAT HOT but everybody WILL NOT sell out Madison Square Garden in 10mins. How bout, you stay in the same field and just go into a different sect of it. You love fashion but you're 27 and haven't seen a check for the last 97 photoshoots you've done, well maybe you can be a stylist or makeup artist. Just as long as you don't say "Well if I don't do this modeling, I'm gonna be a singer" That is NOT a fallback career! Fallback careers are practical and attainable! People with DUMBASS fallback careers DESERVE to FALL!

Note: If you don't understand the picture, chances are you have a dumb ass fallback career. Read a book and plant a tree (stop global warming!)

You have questions... I have answers

So, after reading last weeks posts, I've got a few questions to my facebook inbox that I found to be pretty funny. I know most of the people who read my blog aren't listed as followers so, to show that I don't love you any less, I am going to answer the questions... well, most of them... some were WILD rude and I'm not telling that much of my bedroom business (just know, whatever I do, I do it well). So on with the show:

Do you watch porn? If so, which ones?

(Keep in mind, I died laughing behind this shit) YES, I do... I said I did in a previous post. I watch all kinds... If you're referring to the sites, mostly because I can watch it from my phone. I don't recommend anyone look through my downloaded videos on my phone unless you're looking for a show.

Do you masturbate?

(Another one I almost coughed up a lung laughing) YES. As a matter of fact I've broken a few vibrators and almost snapped my wrist once (not even sure HOW that happened... it was late and I was tired)

Do you cook? Clean?

(I figured this was for someone looking for a wife) I do cook. I have a second family in Houston who only wants me to come up there all the time for these damn shrimp tacos I make, and could careless about anything else I can make because apparently they were that good. Clean? Of course. As much as I bad mouth nasty women... hell yeah! If I spend the night at your house, please believe I am looking for the sponge to clean the tub out before I hop in that bitch.

What is your favorite sex song?

Ummm lol... I know the CORRECT answer is something by Sade or something there is a little hoodrat who lives inside of me who wouldn't a little "Toss It Up by Tupac" lmfaoooooo hahahahahahahah, dead ass serious though (not EVERYTIME though)

What's your favorite position?

First let me say this: In "Invented Sex" the remix, Keri Hilson said "... missionary's no good" BUT if you do it RIGHT how can missionary be bad? If you need to be sitting Indian Style on the night stand upside down for it to be goo, one of the two of yall (3 in some cases, I've heard stories lol) or everybody involved CAN'T F&#K... with that said, ALL of em, just don't jack rabbit pump me or you will be asked to get your shit and leave for an ETERNITY

So, those were the five questions I chose to answer. Hope the answers were appeasing. Also keep in mind that, just because I answered your questions DOES NOT mean that you will be having sexual relations with me in the near or far future. Oh, and to answer the 6th question (Can you create an email that we can send topics and questions to you, anonymously?) Yes, I will... When I create it, I will post it.

Whatchu Lookin At?!?!?

There are some people who assume that I just have a million guys on my roster but that is so NOT the case. I don't get as many guys approaching me as some have assumed BUT I get a million stares. There have been so many occasions where guys just STARE. The funny thing is (FYI, guys) this is what goes down with most women. Stop staring at us! We aren't paintings or sculptures. WE don't bite (well, only if you want me to lolol... I kid, I kid). I will never understand what the purpose of you STARING at me for a solid 10 seconds. Then I look at you looking at me and I start to feel uncomfortable and look away. What kind of fuckery is that?!?!? What purpose does that serve? Does it usually work on other chicks? Does the "Eye of the Tiger" reel 'em in? I just gotta know

Monday, February 15, 2010

Stuck In My Head

A while back before he was the man we all knew today, Robin Thicke (who just went by Thicke back then) made a song called "When I Get You Alone." There was a video and all. He was just some scruffy guy riding around on a bike through the city with really long hair. Well, the song has been stuck in my head ALL day and I must say there is a few solid bars that are pretty.... we'll just call them "interesting." My personal favorite:

"On my house, on my job, on my loot, my shoes, my crew, my mom and my father's last name.... When I get you alone... WHEN I GET YOU ALONE."

This is that "PASSION" (yes, capitals are a must) I was referring to in the previous blog. The type of "PASSION" where you swear on EVERYTHING you're entitled to that it's going DOWN as SOON as you get the chance. This man swore on his funds, friends and family dynasty that as soon as he got his chick (now his wife) alone. *church hand in the air aka that "amen" hand* Go on Robin!!!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

St. Valentine's Day Massacre

My best friend has completely lost his effing mind because he will be without a Valentine for the first time. I guess he is afraid he will kill himself if left alone on this particular day, why, I'll NEVER know. He really could give two shits if the chick is there the morning of the 15th as long as he has SOMEONE on the 14th. I had to explain to him what most women go through... NOTHING because most women DON'T have Valentines. It's a day... the end. Generally it's a day where we eat everything in the house. Fall asleep with fast food in hand (one year I fell asleep with a chili dog) to some movie that we have seen 98 times. This year not only am I going to eat the red velvet cake, the gallon of ice cream, all the cheeto puffs but I'm also gonna eat the chocolate cover strawberries I got in the mail for Valentine's day... all while avoiding a stalker. Ladies and Gentlemen: THAT is a pretty girl's Valentine's Day, in true form of the holiday: A Massacre.

I really want to know why people think I just have a line of men camped out, sleeping in tents waiting to take me out. EVERYONE stares but nobody says anything. I got a compliment about two weeks ago and he had to say it 3 times for me to comprehend it... real sad ain't it.

If You Don't...

... somebody else will

First and foremost, I'd like to apologize in advance about the over sexed-ness of my blog BUT these are just the events that are happening. I try to keep it well rounded around these parts, there will be some fashion, relationship and fuckery topics soon... I prooooomiseee

So, as I was saying: If you wont... SOMEBODY will

This came from a conversation had at my house last week. My sister got a message from her friend asking about oral sex. Apparently her friend's boyfriend doesn't like the way she is "rocking the mic" (sadly, my old boss is the one who came up with that term... lol... no, we weren't getting busy in the bedroom, we just had a liberal office and my other boss, she bought me my 1st vibrator, smh... Long live 100.3 The Beat) and wanted to know if "rocking the mic" was a common task. I told her to tell her friend... if she wants to keep him around she'd better take a deep breath and hop to it because if she doesn't.... (you get it). Oh, this does go both ways. So fellas don't think you won't have to... get over it, close your eyes and stick out your tongue.

After some back and forth about it, we came to one simple conclusion that goes all the way across the board for both men and women: DO NOT BE AFRAID OF IT... if you try to be sexy or cute with it, you WILL fail therefore your girl or man WILL find SOMEBODY else to do it. It's not a picture... STOP POSING!!! I've heard this so many times "I don't want him/her looking at me" and I will tell you this: If you do it right he/she will barely know their own name let alone stare at you. Now, you have to pay for advice so I'm wrapping it up here... tootaloo hehe

P.S.- I know, I know... that picture is so IGNORANT lol

The Sexless Choice

Alot of people have been asking me about my choice to NOT have sex until I find a significant other... Well I guess what I wrote wasn't blunt enough sooooo here we go. Don't judge me after this, but hell, yall probably judge me anyway:

I have a sex drive that I have yet to find a match for... so instead of bouncing on which ever penis I see, I only want to consistently bounce on one. I don't want JUST a sex partner because at any given time this person, or myself can decide.... I no longer want to just have sex with just you... I'm gonna add to my line up OR they can get mad and now there are stories about what I did, can do or wanted to do (FYI: NEVER release the video footage to the other party... I've seen it come back to bite too many people in the ass. Keep your pictures and footage in YOUR possesion... that's for the ladies). When there is trust... there is PASSION, not just sex. Sex is just two people bumpin pelvises in a few positions... the PASSION is when you lose shit. You don't know why the bed is by the closet, you don't know what happened to your left shoe, there are picture frames falling off the wall, someone has to call the other persons' phone and you find it UNDER the TV stand or something, there are ripped items of clothing you can't explain how or why they are ripped, you wake up in half of your Halloween costume from two years ago... this is what TRUST is... I could go on but you all get the point. Now, I think that should cover the jist as to why I am choosing to wait


As some of you know and those of you who don't I moved to New Orleans. So, as I currently live out here, I've become a "Who Dat" (Saint's fan for the anti- sports fans). Now, I thought LA went hard for the Lakers until I saw a city that bled BLACK AND GOLD. They will seriously DIE for this shit out here, well, rather, they'll KILL for it. Don't come around here talking about the Colts, you may get lynched (I guess that's neither here nor there since they won but I'm gonna speak on prior activities). Everytime I turned on the radio there was a Saint's song. They went so far as to change Miley Cyrus' song "Party in the USA." Whenever she says "...and a Britney song was onnnnn" it says "... and a WHO DAT song was onnnnnnn." WILD!!! When they finally did win... OMG the city was ROCKING. I saw girls on cars (yes, ON) dancing like strippers. I wish one of my friends would put her damn feet on the roof of my car. I'd hit the breaks so hard that heffa wouldn't dare dance EVER. And it was EVERYWHERE. Guys were bold walking up to cars dancing. People were drunk as hell walking IN the streets. See, they can do that because A) public shitfacedness is legal out here and B) the streets were so gridlocked NOBODY was whizzing down the road. It was all funny til this drunk ass hit like EVERY car on the bridge. We're over the Mississippi River, not how I wanna die... thanks! Long story short... everyone here is crazy!


Hi Everyone!!! I am soooo sorry that I have been MIA. To make things better I am going IN on blogging. There will be tons of new material this week. Sit tight and I'm coming