Thursday, September 2, 2010

Sex Buffet

As some of you already know (those of you how are Facebook friends of mine), I've recently gained six pounds in ONE week. I didn't notice until I almost broke a hip trying to get into a pair of jeans. Let me just say, Drake was NOT lying when he said "it took a half an hour just to get that belt to fasten." Ordinarily, normal people would have just found a new pair to put on but once I got em over one hip, I knew it would take a bottle of baby oil, God and all of his angels to get them off before work. So, I went ahead and took the end of a brush and shoved the rest of my ass in my jeans, litterally. Once I got to work, it dawned on me. I eat whenever there is a... ummm.. "party in my pants" ... so, that's six pounds of horny in one week. My old faithful readers know that in some past blogs I took a vow to be celibate, regardless of my apparent addicition to the "diction". Here's the thing, I CAN do it... UNTIL... I "do it". Then all of a sudden I'm changing panties more than Lil Wayne changes "new" baby mommas. Welp, one week ago I smashed the chasitity belt... now I'm living life like a crack fiend. You can't do lines with a coke head and then think they won't inhale you out of house, home and powdered sugar. So, now I'm back on my BULL ISHT. I hope he knows I can get VIOLENT if I don't get IT... Y'all wish this man good luck

Technical Difficulties

Hang on people... I'm tryna get this shit together... My last blog I wrote is lost in cyber space

Monday, August 30, 2010

Prince of the P%#&y

Everybody knows I love me some Michael Jackson like nobody's business and I will bet my money on him EVERYTIME BUT Prince makes songs that will have you feeling all some type of way... Seriously, this Prince mix has me looking for a pole RIGHT NOW!!! Ladies, if "Adore" by Prince doesn't make you wanna do a lil swirl and a dance for ya man then... Kill Yourself! The understanding of the essence that is Prince comes with age because at 19 this song ain't do to me what it's doing now. Listen, then get to a bathroom quick because you will need some alone time if you give into the song... Go on... you deserve it... give in!

Summer Lovin!

For those of you who don't know... I moved to the east coast and let me just tell you, it's hot as demon piss out here. Then it's sticky too... not that I don't like hot and sticky, because I do.. Matter of fact I don't even know what I was about to say, negative, about this weather... Any reason to be in daisy dukes or a dress is fine by me. *Runs out to go get a big stick* (No pun intended... at least I don't think so)

PSA: For the new readers... I have a sick addiction to lust. Sorry in advance. It always sneaks its way into my posts

Friendly FUCKING Skies

Recently I went back to Puerto Rico. For those of you who are too lazy to read my first blog, I used to live there, briefly. While I was there I made a pretty awesome friend that I kept in contact with. She happen to see a pic of a friend of mine... he was just her type. Long story short, me and 4 guys set off to San Juan!

First of all, my trip to get there was the trip from hell. The guys got there before I did and I was gonna land and we were hitting the club as soon as I got there. I was gonna do my make up in Miami during my layover then 2hrs later freshen up and hit the streets. Well APARENTLY American Airlines ain't give NO FUCKS about my life plan. I went in the bathroom and put on a full face of makeup and walked out to see 10:30pm instead of 9:25pm on the screen. I asked the lady "Excuse me, ummmm are we taking a really fast jet that will get us there in an hr instead of two?" She said "No, thats the new flight time" At this point I'm mad but I will make the club... UNTIL...

10:30pm came and they announce our plane is broken... at 11:00pm they get us a new plane but at 11:30pm they have no clue where our plane is in the sky... Really? Lose the plane in the atmosphere huh? At 12:15am they tell us they still can't find a plane but at 12:30am they tell us they we gotta move to a different gate!!! So now we are at this new gate boarding at 1am! Needless to say, I almost burned all of Miami down. LeBron and HIS TALENTS. I told the lady "Listen, if you don't upgrade my ticket or give me some extra damn cookies, you will NEVER fly another friendly sky in the United States of these Americas." She ain't do shit but sit me next to the most talkative man on EARTH

After the trip you know they had the nerve to give me a crappy ass 3000 miles on my account. This sounds good but I need at least 15000 to get on a damn plane. Where the shit am I going with 3000 miles?!?!? If I was my mom she woulda gotten free flights for the year! Companies are just scared of her like that...

The Legend of "The Suction"

For years now, I have been searching for this mythical vibrator that I call “The Suction“. I say mythical because I have been in sex stores across the nation (literally… Cali, Louisiana and Maryland) yet nobody has it! I saw it online like 2 years ago…. Yeah, that’s what I do online so don’t judge me *shrugs* Anywho, I have been looking for this vibrator that sucks and licks, moves mountains, takes you to bottom of the sea, to the deepest valley, across the desert and back again! Throw a lil lube in it and it’s supposed to be life changing .

Well I recently found out that my best friend wandered her hot ass into the Hustler store and FOUND IT! I was happy for her (these are monumental things in our lives, like marriage or a promotion) but I wanted to stone that bitch to death because she had the NERVE to tell me “Yeah girl… I got the last one”. Like, how rude is that?!?! She said it worked so well, she didn’t wake up til 5pm the next day, after she figured out how to do it the right way. Then I found out it doesn’t have to run on batteries which is a “blessing” because I have more broken vibrators than used vaginas on Hollywood Blvd on a Saturday night during the BET Awards. Now, I encourage all of you to find and experience the magic that is “The Suction.”

Welcome Back!


Well… It’s been a long time and I was reluctant to come back because I was drawing blanks… No topics in sight. Me and the 87 people were shut down, closed for business! Then one of the saner of the 87 said “Hey… just type”

A few things are gonna be a little different this time around… whoa, chill people… I’m still gonna say what I say it the way I say it BUT this time I want YOUR input. Well… It’s been a long time and I was reluctant to come back because I was drawing blanks… No topics in sight. Me and the 87 people were shut down, closed for business! Then one of the saner of the 87 said “Hey… just type”

A few things are gonna be a little different this time around… whoa, chill people… I’m still gonna say what I say it the way I say it BUT this time I want YOUR input. Iono how we are gonna get that done but we’ll figure it out. For instance, if you want me to talk about something… let me know! I’m gonna try to get some video blogs up annnnnd lastly, I’m gonna give you guys my deadlines so you know when the next blog is coming!

So here we go.. “WE’RE BAAAAAAACK”

Next Blog: Sept 1st . For instance, if you want me to talk about something… let me know! I’m gonna try to get some video blogs up annnnnd lastly, I’m gonna give you guys my deadlines so you know when the next blog is coming!

So here we go.. “WE’RE BAAAAAAACK”

Next Blog: Sept 1st (but I'm feeling creative tonight so I may crank out about 5)

Friday, March 12, 2010

Dreams can FEEL so REAL...

Soooo I just heard THEEE funniest thing on the EARTH! My friend told me about this dream she had and I HAD to share with you guys! So apparently she was having a dream that felt so real that she didn't know it was a dream until she woke up. So lets put you in her mind set:

She's in an unknown room with her co-worker and oddly, the room has a bed. I say oddly because she has a boyfriend. So, she's in this room and all of a sudden they begin to have sex. She said he was giving it to her like she has NEVER had it before. So they are getting it in, nails scratching the headboard, face in the pillows, sheets coming off the bed and all kinds of elbow &knee burns. So as he's giving her this PHENOMENAL sex she has the most explosive orgasm of her entire LIFE!

Apparently she came so hard that it woke her up only to find out, not only was it a dream but the orgasmic lady juices were none of the such. In fact she didn't cum at all... she PEED herself because (and I quote) "it felt so real... I thought I was really having sex!" LMFAOOOO... Word to the wise, never cum so hard from a dream where you pee the bed at 25! I think the worst part is, the best sex of her life wasn't even real! CLASSIC

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Abstinence Failing

A little while ago, I wrote a blog about abstaining from sex until I got to the point of a relationship. Ohhhh yall, I need help because I'm starting to cave. I have virtually no memory left to download anymore porn on my phone and I have broken another vibrator. I think I need to find something that plugs into the wall because these double A battery joints are just money down the drain. Not to mention, I may need a wrist guard because I almost snapped it tryna finish after my vibrator broke. Annnnd to top it all off, I have temptation now. I have a little crush on this guy and it's taking a WHOLE lot of talking myself out of doing a whole lot of unbloggable things with him. So far its just texting every now and then and flirting but one of these days, I'm afraid I'm gonna slip up and ON him. Noooooo, I gotta be strong. Welp, it's clear I need a second job to support this big battery bill.

I Can't Win

So, I've just had an epiphany. I've realized that the guys that I wouldn't ordinarily date don't take me seriously because they are convinced I am always gonna be up to something, on the prowl, or just up and leave. Then, the guys who "look" like I am supposed to date them are always IMMATURE! This shit is sad but funny. For example there was a guy I dated on and off for a little while and he was convinced I was always with someone else when I didn't answer my phone or whenever I canceled on him. He w0uld always say, "I don't wanna know about the other guys" but truthfully there was never really anyone else. He was sort of a cool nerd or something. Actually just a very "Average Joe." Every guy didn't know him and every girl hasn't slept with him. Not a lot of drama but there was always that "she's with someone else" mentality that he had because of how I looked and carried myself. I want you to feel lucky you got me but DAMNNNN, chill. ARRRGGG... Then lets go to the opposite end of the spectrum. There is the sarcastic ass that can actually HANDLE all that is ME but in true fashion, he wants to handle me and every other girl. His life is just too much. Too many groupies, both male and female or just immature. This only leads to issues... therefore, I can't win for losing. There is no happy medium! An intelligent, smartass doesn't exist. You know, one that's mature but hasn't lost his "bad boy" edge. I think I need some play-doh to create him. I guess I want a super villain with super hero tendencies. I'll let yall know how this turns out

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

If You Blink, He'll Cheat

My friends are SO reckless.. There are nothing but jerks in my life and I guess that's what makes my life so interesting. Well, this weekend... I got the call with the mother of all fuckery! My friend, we'll call him "Peanut" (it's a well thought out analysis of why we're calling him that), calls me and tells me... Are you ready? A girl that he met at a birthday party about a week or two ago was at the same party he was at on Saturday. A little back story on this girl: They were both REALLY drunk at the birthday and started getting a little frisky. Needless to say, two drunk people feeling each other up in public isn't a good look... ESPECIALLY when there are SEVERAL friends of the guy's girlfriend in the vicinity. As soon as the party is over, "Peanut's" girlfriend already knows what happened. She forgives him... Fast forward to Saturday. He sees the girl that almost cost him his relationship and they start up again because once again, they're drunk. While he's out and about being a slut... his girlfriend is back at his house, WAITING for her loving boyfriend. (ohhhh it gets better) After things get hot and heavy enough, he takes the girl back to his GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE... flips over ALL of the pictures that are all over the house and tells the chick that he's house sitting for his sister. Takes the girl down on his girl's bed. Oh, but no worries... he was polite. He laid a blanket down. LOL... THIS is why I don't trust men! Yall are always up to NO GOOD!

Neighbors May NOT Know His Name...

So, as I'm writing this blog I am on the phone with one of my good friends. Probably the most reckless male you will ever meet. During this conversation the topic of talking during sex came up (No, we do not engage in such activities with each other... he's a slore but I love him like the brother I never wanted). He prefers to remain silent during sex. He feels the need to bee "cool" in ALL of his. This includes sex as well. His theory is that if he says too much, he'll seem like a cornball. His example (and I quote) "I don't wanna be in the room talking about 'oohhh pu*#y, pu#&y... yeah, yeah, ohhh this is wet, wet, dripping wet... oh yeah.. Pu&@y!!!" (there was laughter). Now, maybe it's just me but women (again, I can only speak for me) want to hear a little reaction other than breath. I stop acting like a deaf mute because you want to be cool. Some of us, need a little motivation. We wanna if we are doing a good job... granted, please don't ask me 21 questions, I didn't sign up for a quiz. Don't say things that are obvious, or just plain corny. Don't ask me your, you already know. Don't ask me who it belongs because it's mine... I live with it everyday, I think I deserve ownership. Also, guys, STOP being opposed to text sex... it's healthy! lol

Just for shits and giggles... I found 101 dirty talk examples... some made laugh, others made me cry but none the less entertaining:

Monday, March 1, 2010

From My Gutter Mind To Yours

There are some people who were referred to my blog to read the obscure sexual thoughts that go on in my head and sent me a few facebook messages asking me to round em all up in one blog for new readers to read. So, if you're here because your friend told you I was a perv (well, I am... sorry Mom) or about my willingness to admit my addiction to porn or the fact that I almost snapped my wrist masturbating or the fact that I'm trying to help a few folks out with lighting "The Fire" then here are some of the blogs you probably want to read:

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Quickest Orgasim EVER

Get your mind out the gutter... We keeping it well rounded around these parts my lovelies...

I want to share some of the things that I swear almost made me have to change my underwear:

Brian Atwood Lattice- Front Pump

Alexander McQueen Fatigue Peep-Toe Bootie

Gucci Sigrid Platform Sandal

Michael Kors Cut Out Sandal

Yves Saint Laurent Chloris 105 Sandal

Marc Jacobs Rio Quilted Tote

Prada Zip Hobo

Michael Kors Skorpios Pleated Hobo

Spring, we'll be waiting on you!!! Cheap spring buys: Coming SOON!!!

Jay- Z comes to NOLA

For my sister's birthday, she got tickets to the Jay-Z concert and we had the BEST time ever. Really funny because she is the biggest Jay-Z fan on earth. She isn't one of the groupie types, I mean hard core fan. You can go bar for bar with her all the back to Reasonable Doubt. She was sooooo hype when he came out! She almost knocked me down!

Trey Songz opened the show and he did such a great job. He can sing is ass off. I've always thought he was a lil cute but he is REALLY handsome in person. I was actually shocked! But when I tell you that man can see somebody out of their panty draws, I mean it. He coulda sang me outta mine. Not to have sex tho, he can just have em and let me go on about my life (my loins have an urge for someone else, in real life... NOPE, I'm not telling! He might read this on the low... lol). I think the funniest part had to be the moment Trey stepped on stage. Every girl RUSHED the front. I looked back and saw like 30 chicks running down the stairs looking like a slutty avalanche. I'd been wondering why the women had on mini dresses at a hip-hop concert, it all made sense after that. They wanted to be the one who was "Goin' home with Triggaaaaa"

Jeezy came out and did his thing in the middle of Hov's set and he had the whole arena MOVING. Everybody looked like they were about to go rob a bank after the show let out. He didn't do my verse from "Hood Nigga" (that's my drunk in the club song). Usually when that verse comes on in the club I'm the ONLY girl, with a Cosmo in hand screaming "Bitch what's happenin' known to get it crackin..." (I told you, there is a little hoodrat who lives inside of me). He did do my other song though "Hold up wait one muthafuckin' minute" I think I really love the way he starts his verses off because he's so RUDE!

Long story short. Jay-Z was DOPE... he didn't too many old joints but it's all good. "Want my old shit? Buy my old album" I pointed out the bounce in the car and made the song cry on the way home.

Dumbass Fallback Careers

This particular BAD habit strikes a horrible nerve with me. People who have no "Plan B." Don't get me wrong, if your "Plan A" is full proof, then fine. If your "Plan A" makes sense, then fine. If your "Plan A" requires rigourous training and a demand for the position, then fine.

BUT some of you who want to be rockstars and basketball players either have no "Plan B" or the dumbest fall back careers I've ever heard of in my entire LIFE. Don't hope to be the next Kobe Bryant and if that doesn't work, you want Dave Stern's job. WTF?!?!?! Or If you don't make it to the NFL you are gonna become a Rocket Scientist. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? So in between practices you were in the lab creating jet fuel?!?!? Rocket Science isn't something you just decide, "Oh I got an 'A' in Biology in the 10th grade and an 'A' in Chemistry my senior year."

I understand some of you believe your mixtape is THAT HOT but everybody WILL NOT sell out Madison Square Garden in 10mins. How bout, you stay in the same field and just go into a different sect of it. You love fashion but you're 27 and haven't seen a check for the last 97 photoshoots you've done, well maybe you can be a stylist or makeup artist. Just as long as you don't say "Well if I don't do this modeling, I'm gonna be a singer" That is NOT a fallback career! Fallback careers are practical and attainable! People with DUMBASS fallback careers DESERVE to FALL!

Note: If you don't understand the picture, chances are you have a dumb ass fallback career. Read a book and plant a tree (stop global warming!)

You have questions... I have answers

So, after reading last weeks posts, I've got a few questions to my facebook inbox that I found to be pretty funny. I know most of the people who read my blog aren't listed as followers so, to show that I don't love you any less, I am going to answer the questions... well, most of them... some were WILD rude and I'm not telling that much of my bedroom business (just know, whatever I do, I do it well). So on with the show:

Do you watch porn? If so, which ones?

(Keep in mind, I died laughing behind this shit) YES, I do... I said I did in a previous post. I watch all kinds... If you're referring to the sites, mostly because I can watch it from my phone. I don't recommend anyone look through my downloaded videos on my phone unless you're looking for a show.

Do you masturbate?

(Another one I almost coughed up a lung laughing) YES. As a matter of fact I've broken a few vibrators and almost snapped my wrist once (not even sure HOW that happened... it was late and I was tired)

Do you cook? Clean?

(I figured this was for someone looking for a wife) I do cook. I have a second family in Houston who only wants me to come up there all the time for these damn shrimp tacos I make, and could careless about anything else I can make because apparently they were that good. Clean? Of course. As much as I bad mouth nasty women... hell yeah! If I spend the night at your house, please believe I am looking for the sponge to clean the tub out before I hop in that bitch.

What is your favorite sex song?

Ummm lol... I know the CORRECT answer is something by Sade or something there is a little hoodrat who lives inside of me who wouldn't a little "Toss It Up by Tupac" lmfaoooooo hahahahahahahah, dead ass serious though (not EVERYTIME though)

What's your favorite position?

First let me say this: In "Invented Sex" the remix, Keri Hilson said "... missionary's no good" BUT if you do it RIGHT how can missionary be bad? If you need to be sitting Indian Style on the night stand upside down for it to be goo, one of the two of yall (3 in some cases, I've heard stories lol) or everybody involved CAN'T F&#K... with that said, ALL of em, just don't jack rabbit pump me or you will be asked to get your shit and leave for an ETERNITY

So, those were the five questions I chose to answer. Hope the answers were appeasing. Also keep in mind that, just because I answered your questions DOES NOT mean that you will be having sexual relations with me in the near or far future. Oh, and to answer the 6th question (Can you create an email that we can send topics and questions to you, anonymously?) Yes, I will... When I create it, I will post it.

Whatchu Lookin At?!?!?

There are some people who assume that I just have a million guys on my roster but that is so NOT the case. I don't get as many guys approaching me as some have assumed BUT I get a million stares. There have been so many occasions where guys just STARE. The funny thing is (FYI, guys) this is what goes down with most women. Stop staring at us! We aren't paintings or sculptures. WE don't bite (well, only if you want me to lolol... I kid, I kid). I will never understand what the purpose of you STARING at me for a solid 10 seconds. Then I look at you looking at me and I start to feel uncomfortable and look away. What kind of fuckery is that?!?!? What purpose does that serve? Does it usually work on other chicks? Does the "Eye of the Tiger" reel 'em in? I just gotta know

Monday, February 15, 2010

Stuck In My Head

A while back before he was the man we all knew today, Robin Thicke (who just went by Thicke back then) made a song called "When I Get You Alone." There was a video and all. He was just some scruffy guy riding around on a bike through the city with really long hair. Well, the song has been stuck in my head ALL day and I must say there is a few solid bars that are pretty.... we'll just call them "interesting." My personal favorite:

"On my house, on my job, on my loot, my shoes, my crew, my mom and my father's last name.... When I get you alone... WHEN I GET YOU ALONE."

This is that "PASSION" (yes, capitals are a must) I was referring to in the previous blog. The type of "PASSION" where you swear on EVERYTHING you're entitled to that it's going DOWN as SOON as you get the chance. This man swore on his funds, friends and family dynasty that as soon as he got his chick (now his wife) alone. *church hand in the air aka that "amen" hand* Go on Robin!!!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

St. Valentine's Day Massacre

My best friend has completely lost his effing mind because he will be without a Valentine for the first time. I guess he is afraid he will kill himself if left alone on this particular day, why, I'll NEVER know. He really could give two shits if the chick is there the morning of the 15th as long as he has SOMEONE on the 14th. I had to explain to him what most women go through... NOTHING because most women DON'T have Valentines. It's a day... the end. Generally it's a day where we eat everything in the house. Fall asleep with fast food in hand (one year I fell asleep with a chili dog) to some movie that we have seen 98 times. This year not only am I going to eat the red velvet cake, the gallon of ice cream, all the cheeto puffs but I'm also gonna eat the chocolate cover strawberries I got in the mail for Valentine's day... all while avoiding a stalker. Ladies and Gentlemen: THAT is a pretty girl's Valentine's Day, in true form of the holiday: A Massacre.

I really want to know why people think I just have a line of men camped out, sleeping in tents waiting to take me out. EVERYONE stares but nobody says anything. I got a compliment about two weeks ago and he had to say it 3 times for me to comprehend it... real sad ain't it.

If You Don't...

... somebody else will

First and foremost, I'd like to apologize in advance about the over sexed-ness of my blog BUT these are just the events that are happening. I try to keep it well rounded around these parts, there will be some fashion, relationship and fuckery topics soon... I prooooomiseee

So, as I was saying: If you wont... SOMEBODY will

This came from a conversation had at my house last week. My sister got a message from her friend asking about oral sex. Apparently her friend's boyfriend doesn't like the way she is "rocking the mic" (sadly, my old boss is the one who came up with that term... lol... no, we weren't getting busy in the bedroom, we just had a liberal office and my other boss, she bought me my 1st vibrator, smh... Long live 100.3 The Beat) and wanted to know if "rocking the mic" was a common task. I told her to tell her friend... if she wants to keep him around she'd better take a deep breath and hop to it because if she doesn't.... (you get it). Oh, this does go both ways. So fellas don't think you won't have to... get over it, close your eyes and stick out your tongue.

After some back and forth about it, we came to one simple conclusion that goes all the way across the board for both men and women: DO NOT BE AFRAID OF IT... if you try to be sexy or cute with it, you WILL fail therefore your girl or man WILL find SOMEBODY else to do it. It's not a picture... STOP POSING!!! I've heard this so many times "I don't want him/her looking at me" and I will tell you this: If you do it right he/she will barely know their own name let alone stare at you. Now, you have to pay for advice so I'm wrapping it up here... tootaloo hehe

P.S.- I know, I know... that picture is so IGNORANT lol

The Sexless Choice

Alot of people have been asking me about my choice to NOT have sex until I find a significant other... Well I guess what I wrote wasn't blunt enough sooooo here we go. Don't judge me after this, but hell, yall probably judge me anyway:

I have a sex drive that I have yet to find a match for... so instead of bouncing on which ever penis I see, I only want to consistently bounce on one. I don't want JUST a sex partner because at any given time this person, or myself can decide.... I no longer want to just have sex with just you... I'm gonna add to my line up OR they can get mad and now there are stories about what I did, can do or wanted to do (FYI: NEVER release the video footage to the other party... I've seen it come back to bite too many people in the ass. Keep your pictures and footage in YOUR possesion... that's for the ladies). When there is trust... there is PASSION, not just sex. Sex is just two people bumpin pelvises in a few positions... the PASSION is when you lose shit. You don't know why the bed is by the closet, you don't know what happened to your left shoe, there are picture frames falling off the wall, someone has to call the other persons' phone and you find it UNDER the TV stand or something, there are ripped items of clothing you can't explain how or why they are ripped, you wake up in half of your Halloween costume from two years ago... this is what TRUST is... I could go on but you all get the point. Now, I think that should cover the jist as to why I am choosing to wait


As some of you know and those of you who don't I moved to New Orleans. So, as I currently live out here, I've become a "Who Dat" (Saint's fan for the anti- sports fans). Now, I thought LA went hard for the Lakers until I saw a city that bled BLACK AND GOLD. They will seriously DIE for this shit out here, well, rather, they'll KILL for it. Don't come around here talking about the Colts, you may get lynched (I guess that's neither here nor there since they won but I'm gonna speak on prior activities). Everytime I turned on the radio there was a Saint's song. They went so far as to change Miley Cyrus' song "Party in the USA." Whenever she says "...and a Britney song was onnnnn" it says "... and a WHO DAT song was onnnnnnn." WILD!!! When they finally did win... OMG the city was ROCKING. I saw girls on cars (yes, ON) dancing like strippers. I wish one of my friends would put her damn feet on the roof of my car. I'd hit the breaks so hard that heffa wouldn't dare dance EVER. And it was EVERYWHERE. Guys were bold walking up to cars dancing. People were drunk as hell walking IN the streets. See, they can do that because A) public shitfacedness is legal out here and B) the streets were so gridlocked NOBODY was whizzing down the road. It was all funny til this drunk ass hit like EVERY car on the bridge. We're over the Mississippi River, not how I wanna die... thanks! Long story short... everyone here is crazy!


Hi Everyone!!! I am soooo sorry that I have been MIA. To make things better I am going IN on blogging. There will be tons of new material this week. Sit tight and I'm coming

Friday, January 29, 2010

The Drought

I have made a conscious effort/ decision NOT to have sex until I am in a relationship, or atleast til I find someone I wont mind being in a relationship with. Even though this decision is becoming expensive (2 broken vibrators, 100+ batteries, 16 downloaded porn videos to my phone, and Rosetta stone because I'm gonna learn a new language to keep me busy) I am gonna stick with it because there is NOTHING like sex with someone you're comfortable with. You can do all of the lil sick things that goes on in your mind without feeling like you're being judged or you're gonna be the next topic of discussion. I don't need pictures, videos, panties or stories about me getting out on the evening news, so I have to wait. That and its a lot easier to do it often if you have a go to person without question. The problem with just a F&$K buddy is that at any given time either person can get somewhere AND at any given time one of the other people can change their line up. Then you have to start ALLLLL over again. You gotta reteach someone what you like, what you don't like, take your time in doing the real freaky shit... it's just too much. Plus no one spends that much time with a F&$K buddy to be able to do it any and everywhere. So... until I find someone permanent or could be (I say could be because I once I find that person I may need to test drive prior to signing the paper) I will have to find an indestructible vibrator with rechargeable batteries.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Five Guys... and ME

LOL, no I wasn't in some wild ass orgy over the weekend but I did live with 5 guys for a week in Texas. By far one of the most interesting experiences. I got high for the first time (and almost died), drank lights, darks & wine all in the same night (and almost died), and starved half the time (and almost died). Okay, I didn't almost starve to death because I made enough tacos to feed Hati BUT I did almost get kidnapped at a club. Aside from all my near death experiences, gambling, drugs (weed IS a drug), alcohol, finding out that women (well I guess just me) are territory that needs to be claimed (I have 900 new boyfriends now) and talk of sex with groupies, I did have fun. There definitely needs to be a camera in that house. You can see the evolution of bull shit. Debates that serve no purpose involving ficticious situations. Apparently Oprah is gonna buy Martin Luther King. This is REALLY a topic, not an example. FUCKERY, right?!?!?! It's safe to say I will be back soon

Friday, January 22, 2010

Child Protective Service Should Crack Down...

There are somethings that are just WRONG... people who name their kids' names that are actually just words (Chandelier, Vase) , people who spell their kids' names EXACTLY how it sounds (Mahlayshah), people who try to make their kids' names funky and different by throwing in silent letters that arent silent (Apxril {April}, Psummer {Summer}), people who use the exception to the rule as the rule (Shawn spelled as Chan as seen spelled Chantel. Chantel would be the exception not THE RULE), oh if don't have a drop of Asian in your blood, don't name your baby "Ming" and the one I all time LOATHE is people just CREATING their own unisex name. Just because one dumb ass decided to name their daughter Kevin, Michael or Brandon doesn't make any of those names unisex. They are BOY names that someone reckless named a little girl. This also falls under names that ARE unisex that SHOULDN'T be. If you told me Tracy, Courtney and Ashley were on the way I would not expect three grown ass men to walk in. It's just not right. If you birthed a boy, give him a boy's name. Don't get me wrong, there are names they go for both sexes like Aaron/Erin, Alex & Tony/Toni. However, that doesn't mean all of then can go both ways. So, for the sake of the future stop MAKING up names, using words that you like as names, adding extra shit to regular names to make it "unique" and any other random foolishness possible.Add Image

Here is where making names get's you: A young woman who couldn't read or write very well (yet still had a decent understanding of how letters work) decided to name her son Shi'Thead. The problem was Shi'Thead is Shit Head... STOP trying to be different before you accidentally name your kid some shit (Literally).

Road Trip

In an attempt for a change of scenery, I decided to move to New Orleans. Since my best friend was in town visiting his friends, family etc, I told him, book the solid one way and ride back with me since I have to go through Texas anyway. On our way to Houston, my first road trip by the way, we experienced all the bull shit in the world. I discovered I had OCD because I started scratching and shaking because I haddn't been in a shower in over 12hrs. I literally wanted to wash my ass, like throw a bar of soap in my ass. Then the drive from El Paso to San Antonio is the most depressing drive EVER. 300 miles of absolutely JACK SHIT!!! That drive alone will make you give up hope on LIFE. I got sick on the road and threw up all over San Antonio, yep, the whole damn city. Navigation system sent us through "No Coloreds, TX" and light or not, I wasn't passing. They had an itch to lynch so we had to get through there mad quick. We FINALLY make it to Houston after 900 days. First thing I did was hop in the longest, hottest shower ever. And what do I do?!?!? Eff up my hair..... Ohhhhhh my lifeeeeeeeeeee. Had a bomb ass press too. Now that I'm here I feel like I drove up to crash at a frat house. A clean, well kept frat house but none the less, a frat house. Crashing with a bunch of dudes is always an adventure... so, we'll see how this all works out. lolololololol


DAMNIT!!!. I accidentally deleted some of my blog readers while trying to delete people I added for one of those Facebook games. Sooooooooo.... if you were one, sorry... just re-request me and I'll add you. Now back to regularly scheduled fuckery

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Straight to the Point...

Yeah, I'll miss you

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Good Fellas... The Sequel

I need to know what the hell is wrong with these celebrities. So much fuckery, I can't take it. I feel like I've been watching a long ass movie for the past couple years. With that said, I have developed the cast for the sequel to the blockbuster movie GoodFellas: B(l)ack With a Vengeance, Rich and Reckless for NO REASON

This film will also star: Dolante West, Ke-Ke Wyatt, Remy Ma, Serena Williams, Tiger Woods, Jarvis Crittenton, Rae Carruth, Lil Wayne, Brandy and Lil Kim... This is a Mike Tyson Production

Monday, January 11, 2010


"Yall might have a good time BUT we party HARDER"

This past weekend, I went to Vegas for my girl Eggy's Birthday (the one with the tiara). When I tell you we went in, honey, we went IN. We did Vegas RIGHT!!!! For starters we got a driver to drive us down there. Although for a minute we were afraid we were gonna get dropped off in the desert because he was being too friendly. Of course I called my cousin, the ninja swat cop from the 1st post, and in true fashion he sent me a text saying "U tell him ur cuzzin is a fuckin crazy swat cop and i will kill him slowly and watch him die if he harms u... then bury 1 of each of his body parts all over the united states." (DEAD SERIOUS, this is the text I got)

(She's spillin while she's sippin... I encourage you to try it!)

We get there safely and pull up to the Palms. Little did we know, the AVA's (Adult Video Awards) were happening that same weekend. So, when a group of chicks hop out a car with a driver to help them with their array of gucci, juicy, louis and coach duffles, they think we're coming to accept our awards!!! lol We finally figure out where our room is after looking like a bunch of ditzs. We get started on showers, hair and make up. During my down time I've called room service for everything under the sun from pregnancy tests & razors to an iron & a litter of semen. BOREDOM

We head down to meet our reservations at the restaurant and you wouldn't believe the comments we heard walking "Yes LORD" "Thank GOD" "Oh JESUS" "MMMMMM" "DESSERT is here" "Can I have you for dinner?" etc etc I thought I was walking through a church luncheon! Hit the restaurant, run up a heavy check, call our limo driver and slide to the Industry Opening Haze where Usher performed. Bypass the basic bitches and buy EIGHT bottles (there are only 6 of us). Drank til our liver cried. We brushed off a couple thirsty ass dudes tryna be down with the crew. Sorry, me and the people I came with are ALL too pretty for you! Back to the limo and back to the room. Room Service, ordered everything on the menu! Hungry Hoes! This is when the birthday girl told some broad on the phone "LET ME TALK TO YOUR MANAGER. YOU'RE NOTHING TO ME!!!"

Next morning, room service AGAIN! Then off to the spa. I was too fucked up to go, so I just stayed back to try to sober up. Back to the room for more room service. Ordered more reckless shit from room service "hello? VEGAS?!?! Do you have a pitcher of lemonade, water, coke, semen, something like that?" Head to our reservation and order one of damn near everything. Call our rude ass limo driver who asks too many questions and got on our nerves the 1st night. Reckless ass birthday girl, goes in on him. Guess he was "nothing to her." We slide to the club, spend a couple grand on bottles and are too drunk to drink em. Had to start giving em away and packing em to-go. Back to the room for more room service and then upstairs to pack. We pass out, wake up to a call from the driver and back to LA.... easily spent 15k in 2 days... Naturally I'm leaving shit out because "What happens in Vegas..." (you know the rest) Happy
Birthday Eggy!!!! lol

(Open up... I know ya thirsty... say ahhhhhhhh)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I know, I know

I know it's been a while and I haven't written since the New Year. Well, me and the 87 people are trying to figure somethings out. Some may have to leave for a little while and we're taking rental apps for the available units. It's an interesting process. There are some people who I don't want to leave so I'm trying to figure out how to get them to stay without angering some of the others. So, right now WE, the 88 of us, myself included, are under construction. Thanks for your patience :-)