Monday, December 28, 2009

I'm Sorry

Dear YOU,
We've been cool for a while now. Tell me why would you just up and throw it away? You're making a mistake. Thinking that we would be lovers, but I don't look at you that way... I'm sorry. I thought we could be friends, but it seems that I gotta go away because I didn't mean to lead you on. I don't wanna break your heart... I didn't know that I was leading you on. It's hard to hear the truth and I'm feeling bad because you love me....

I'm Sorry

Blind Date Jitters


I have been on I think one official blind date. Didn't go so well... he kept saying he wanted to tie me up and kept tryna feed me. Of course I had the *phone rings* "Hello? Something bad happened? Where are you? You need me to come NOW?!?!? I'm on a date can it wait? No? Okay, here I come!" and that was the last I heard or talked to his weird ass. Well, recently a friend of mine said he has a friend that I will like. Saw a pic of him and honeyyyyyyy I'm on board! I have a type... all my friends know it too. One glance and they will know if I'm rolling. Welp, he's just like I like em... tall and light. Ordinarily it wouldn't phase me one way or another, type or not but this one right here is a special circumstance. I'm looking at the calender EVERYDAY *Katt Williams voice* because I'm kinda pumped!

Like every woman, I've gone through my entire wardrobe in my head to figure out what I wanna wear. Unfortunately half the stuff I wanna wear isn't in my closet, like most women. So, like most women... "A hunting we will go... A hunting we will go... high ho the dairy-o... A hunting we will go"... Online shopping and put a rush delivery on it!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Good Bye Sex


Is it wrong that I feel like an old flame OWES me sex before I move away? Granted I haven't seen him in months and talk to him rarely but I feel like if I am gonna be moving away I need to get it in while it's still accessible. Soooooo I'm guessing I'm gonna text him and let him know about my thoughts *text message sent* Well, we'll see how this pans out. Just need him to do what we did best and wish me well, maybe even "tape it on my video phonnnnne" lmfao. Then, everybody's happy.

A woman like ME!

Do you think you can fall for a woman like me?
I find it hard to trust, I need too much and I really don't believe in love.
Do you think that I could be the girl of your dreams?
Sometimes I don't let things go, I get emotional and sometimes I'm just out of control.
Now, don't get me wrong... my loving IS strong but I ain't tryna lead you on

You need to stop for a minute before you get too deep in it.
Cuz everything ain't what it seems. It hard loving a woman like me.
You need to think about it before you get hooked on the venom and can't live without it.
Can't believe everything you see. It's hard loving a woman... a woman like me.

What the HELL?!?!?!


What the FUCK?!?!? Excuse this entire blog but I am in shock!!! I just realized I have been thugged into a situation. "You my boo" and that's it. Like, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? We're not even gonna discuss this? I don't get a say??? Relationship RAPE!!! And if this man we're my damn friend, I would really have to get some ignorant shit off my chest. I don't understand where this even came from. We're cool, NOT dating. HELP MEEEEE!!!!

I really don't even know how this happened.

"Ooh, Ooh I can't believe it" -T Pain

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Ain't This Some SHIT!!!!


Soooo, last night, after I got off work I headed home to jump on skype, sadly skipping the gym. Well I got home, threw my duffle bag in my room and headed to my bathroom. After I unloaded my heavy lunch I went to flush the toilet and to my dismay, the water came up instead of going down. I prayed the water stop and sure enough it did, right at the top. THANK GOD! So I go to plunge the toilet with an attitude because I haven't been home in DAYS and that wasn't enough to clog the toilet. Bringing me to the conclusion, someone had their ass in MY bathroom, filling it with "brown brothas."

Plunging my life away and I haven't done anything but work up a sweat as I stare at a toilet full of what looks like shredded beef. I'm late for my skype chat and I'm playing in SHIT!!! At this point, the only words I could string together were words were just as foul as the situation. Meanwhile I gotta figure out how to get the nasty water out of the toilet. So I grab a baby wipe bucket and get to scooping... ewwwwwwwww

My friend calls me and says "What are you doing? Why aren't you online" and my response? "I'm digging in shit" and he says "huh? You got a shovel? Farmer?" but no "I'm literally DIGGING IN SHIT." I proceed to explain my story and continue to try to fix this problem.

FINALLY, I get most of it out so that I can plunge... welp, I wasn't sure if the water was on or not and the only way to find out was to FLUSH the toilet. So, I do and sure enough... the toilet filled right back up to where I started. So here I am shoveling the same shit I JUST did (and NOBODY could have told me about my toilet? Leave a note or text?!?!?!)

After I finish I wanna clean the bathroom to shower BUT there's a smiget of bleach and no drain o! So I have the shit remains in my toilet and a nasty bathroom!!! So now I can't shower. After a few calls and my friends telling me they didn't wanna skype me or talk to me on the phone, I call my cousin to bring home bleach and drain o, then ask to uses his bathroom to shower in. After an hour of fishing out shit TWICE, I finally get to shower.... hmmm Great day for suicide!

Games We Play


I seriously have a problem. I am very possessive when it comes to certain people. See, there is this guy... we have this weird on again, off again, cat (Tom) & mouse (Jerry) type situation. There is flirting (sometimes blatantly and painfully obvious) and we've even partied in each other's pants but we're never on the same page. So, he does him and I do me but if we're ever in the same room the WILDEST behavior goes on.

NO, not what you're thinking. We don't speak that much (doing a good job of covering up this "thing" we have) BUT don't let him talk to someone else, I get real bent out of shape (privately though.. I can't have public outburst). Mind you, more than likely I am talking to someone else at the very same time but as far as I'm concerned, I've pissed on my tree so he will forever be MY property.

Before you all write me off as being crazy, last time we were at a party he did the same thing I do... BUT he acted on it. He was all in some chick's face and I was doing me (gotten over the whole "This Man Belongs To:" thing) but when he saw me conversing with someone else, and he acted a plum FUCKING fool all in front of mixed company (it was just 5 of us when he went psycho). Why do we play this game?!?! Keep in mind we only talk to each other a few times out the month so, I highly doubt trying to pursue a relationship would work because we only want each other when the other is being pursued by someone else, that and neither one of us takes the other seriously. Hmmmm what to do... what to do...

Monday, December 21, 2009

Four Raspberry Lemon Drops


"Blame it on the Ah Ah Ah Ah Alcohol. Blame it on the VODKA..."
- Jaime Foxx

On Saturday I went to a lounge for a friend's birthday with my best friend and her cousin. After we had been at the lounge for about 30 mins we had to high tail to another party at a club (can't tell you the last time I stepped foot in a club). Since the club closed at 2am we only had an hour to get it in. From the time we stepped foot in the club we had two drinks in each hand. The joys of being pretty?!?!? LOL

Well after four Raspberry Lemon Drops (hence the title), some people start to look pretty damn good in the right lighting. True Story. As we headed for the door one of the 87 people got extremely bold and wanted to "Rock out with their Cock out" aka gave the green light aka the "what are you doing AFTER the club, AT 2 IN THE MORNING" speech. Oh and just so you know, it wasn't a stranger... 4 lemon drops don't FORCE you to become a slut. Whorish behavior comes from within hehe

After all the dropping off friends and running here and there... those lemon drops wore off, the party in my pants shut down and thus, I had to rethink that proposition. Now with a sound and sober mind... "Ohhhh HELL NO!!! Shittin ME!!!" Quick thinking "One of the girls can't find her keys. Sorry can't come by," headed to Jack In The Box and passed out on my best friend's couch.

I think my limit is 3 Lemon Drops

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Halo

I can make love feel just like heaven
I can be your little devil in bed and
Even clean and cook your breakfast
But I'm not perfect...

I can take off when you need guy time
I can cheerlead for you from the sideline
Whisper in your ear so divine
But I'm not perfect...

I'm not a superhero. Sorry I couldn't save the day
So believe me when I say...

Sorry I couldn't wear your halo... Sorry I couldn't be your angel...

Sorry I didn't stroke your ego

But it doesn't mean that I wasn't able... YOU let us fall apart all because....

I'M NOT PERFECT

Friday, December 18, 2009

HARD CORE LOVE















This won't be long... just a revelation I had in between sips of my Monster.

"The problem with being DANGEROUSLY in love is that it's usually only dangerous for one person"
-ME

Bottomless Bag


I don't know why I felt like writing this but then again, I don't have to explain shit to anyone anyway...

My purse is probably the heaviest purse you will ever carry in your life! Primary reason why I wear this Michael Kors purse with EVERYTHING... its roomy and there's too much to switch out.
As a woman, I feel obligated to have EVERYTHING on deck at ALL times, thus I get dumb ass phone calls from friends (mostly Butta) in desperate need of something that I have in my bag.


Never leave home without:

BABY WIPES: There is a white container I carry em in

Tide Stick: Never know when you have a spill!!!

Dental Floss: I learned my lesson a year ago when I had steak for lunch and stabbed myself with a paper clip trying to get it out

Hand Sanitizer: Dirty hands freak me out

Mints: See dental floss

Nail Clipper: They're like tiny scissors

Tweezers: I feel naked without them

My silk green case: Full of period emergency needs lol

Deodorant: Small travel size of Dove... needs it!!!

Body Spray: Travel size... its mostly alcohol so I baby wipe, spray and then deodorize lol

Mini brush: you just never know

Lotion: I wash my hands all day long and I hate the feeling of that dry ash after you wash

Asprin: People stress me!

Tissue: Sometimes I dont trust bathroom tissue in public places. Yes, I'm one of those people who snatch half the roll off before I use it! lol

Vasaline: I just do, dont judge me

annnnnnd last but not least.... Q- Tips: I feel like I need to clean my ears 3 times a day!!!


Do I have OCD?

Sunday, December 13, 2009

HOT!!!!! HOT!!!!!! HOT!!!!!!


Is this not HOT?!?!? Kudos to Gossip Girl's Blake Lively and Leighton Meester!!!! Dope shot!!!


By the way Leighton Meester has a song with Robin Thicke called "Somebody to Love" that I heart!!!

STAY IN YOUR LANE!


I hate to be rude... really I do... but people push me there! Things both men and women need to know. There are certain people who are just out of your league. For alot of men, I am one of those people. Look at ME and then look at YOU. If people will need proof that we are ACTUALLY dating aside from simply your word alone... we will NEVER be together! We will NEVER have sex! We will NEVER even come close! So, if I'm being nice to you... it DOES NOT mean I want you! I am very verbal about the people that I want. So, if you don't hear it.... I DON'T WANT YOU. Don't get me wrong... I'm all for optimisim but let me tell you, OPTIMISM isn't for EVERYBODY.


"I see you baby... but.. STAY IN YOUR LANE... take it easy. You want me but be easy... so, look homie... STAY IN YOUR LANE!!"

JACK-asses


Seriously?!?!?!? If one thing this year has grinded the hell out of my gears is Michael Jackson's older brothers. I cannot stand the way they are using his death as a comeback! Joe should revert back to old ways! If I'm not mistaken, none of them were close to Mike prior to death... so please don't PUBLICLY fake the funk. They aren't even MOURNING!!! All at the movie premier, putting on concerts and now a REALITY show?!?!? Let this be known I will SPIT on all of those fuckers, especially Jermaine's greasy ass if I EVER see them in the streets.


Signed,
Angry Michael Jackson FAN

SEX... MONEY... LIES ... and SEX


The Secret Diary of a Call Girl is one of the DOPEST shows... HANDS DOWN. The concept is original and this is mostly due to it being based on not only a book, but a real life story!!! Its based on the book "Belle de Jour: Diary of a London Call Girl" where the main character Hannah, played by Billie Piper, juggles her real life and her secret alias, Belle. Belle is pretty much a high class London prostitute. In order to help her make it through life without the judgment of everybody else and to explain where all her damn money is coming from, she says she is a "Night Time Legal Secretary" (I guess that ain't too far fetched in London but in America, we shut down at 6pm sharp with overtime here and there).

(Sidenote: I'm typing this while singing along to gospel songs) The show is BOLD in every since of the way. They don't hold back on the language or the SEX. I will be the first to admit, I had to take a "break" while watching this show online at work last season, but then again most people have more self control than I do.

Although Belle is tootin out her lady parts, I do respect the heffa for saying straight up "I'm a whore." No sugar coating... she knows who she is and what she does ain't a "Confidence Consultant" or a "Pleasure Therapist" or whatever made up terms used to make whoring sound like something you need a degree to do. She is definitely about her bread too, so for that I can't be mad at her. It's just some of the men she got down with.... honey, you couldn't pay me!


The craziest thing of all, she's no dumb broad... she's armed with a degree, which just goes to show you... STAY IN SCHOOL KIDS! WITH A COLLEGE DEGREE YOU CAN MAKE A CAREER OUT OF ANYTHING :-) hehehehe


FYI; those of you interested in watching... I watch on sidereel.com: http://www.sidereel.com/Secret_Diary_of_a_Call_Girl

Freaky Behavior

Hmmmm... seems like the title got you in here huh? Well, its not about what you think it is, at least its not my intention, but who's to say where this blog will end up (I'm not the drafting type... I just type). I just got finished having a discussion about my freakishly odd habits and hang ups. There are somethings in MY life that have NO explanation what-so-ever...

*Green food freaks me out! If you ever put guacamole on my plate I will have a fit

*Do NOT put ice in my fountain drinks! It pisses me the hell off. The machine was designed to keep the drink fairly cool. I don't need tap water ice taking up space!

*Dirty dish water!!! WTF pre-wash dirty dishes before you put them in a sink. There is NOTHING more gross on the planet than nasty dish water... UGH. That can cause a DIVORCE in my book.

*Don't give me ANY giraffe paraphernalia! I HATE them for a multitude of reason. I have unfriended (I know, its not a word) people because they tried to do that shit as a joke. TRY ME!

*I don't like repeating myself. I will speak to you in the MOST disrespectful tone with the blank face to match if I have to repeat myself.

*I REALLY hate when old friends or flames from years ago swear they KNOW you. Seriously, you don't.

*I don't mind sharing but DO NOT put your FUCKING fingers in my plate! I don't give a shit if you are paying! I once had thoughts of stabbing someone in the hand with my fork when this happened.

* (This is a VITAL one) Don't use up all my baby wipes... I WILL kill you. I use them for EVERYTHING. The oddest thing I use them for is bathing. I have a loofa for my body and 2 baby wipes, one for my vagina and the other for my ass. This way I can dispose and not have to worry about bacteria from the air getting on the "wash rag" and into my lady parts.

*I can't sleep barefoot... I CANNOT do it. I will spend all day in sandals, come home, shower and put socks on.


... and I think that's it for my odd behavior

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Class In Session


There are things in life that we will never understand, like how the Egyptians managed to build pyramids that have stood the test of time or how the probability of lightening striking twice in the same place works. Well, to me, the biggest mystery of all is how GROWN people can't spell words you learn in 7th grade!

I FULLY understand some words are tricky. Trust me, I know. I can't spell my way out of a paper bag but you will NEVER get an email from me with REMEDIAL words spelled all crazy like (not with spell check around). All words aren't spelled the way they sound. Think back to ummm pre-k when you learned the alphabet. Remember when we all (that's where I went wrong, assuming everyone learned the basics) learned that there are some letters that sound like others?

Well, here is my reason behind this blog: I got an email on facebook from someone about a "movie role." At first he sounded pretty professional, despite the ENTIRE fact it's a facebook message for a "movie role" (that's another blog), until I got to the last sentence. Apparently the role is for a "Fantasy Girl" and requires a...... "BEKENI." Do you guys realize I sat at my computer sounding this word out for at least 2mins trying to figure out WTF it was! As I look to his display picture, I'm thinking... "Please don't be black... Please don't be black" DAMNIT!!!! He's black! Thanks for setting us back 10years, jackass!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Chuck... CHUCK BASS!

I am a Gossip Girl fan. Been one since it started and PROUD of it. For some odd reason, in it's 3rd season Ed Westwick's character Chuck Bass turns me on. Its something about his brooding that starts a party in my pants. He's just so MANLY and *faints*. Sorry, flashbacks of tonight's episode. The point is: We (all 88 of us, me and the 87 people) like the new Chuck Bass. From the suits, to the walk, to the voice... what we wouldn't do for that Klondike Bar!


Chuck (Season 1)


Mr. Bass (Season 3)



See what I mean?!?!? Looking for the real life Chuck!!! FYI: Comes on Monday's at 9pm on the CW

Retail HEROIN!!!


Okay... in order to kill time so I wouldn't have to sit in traffic, I went to the mall. As I'm walking around I wander into a store and this brainwashing sales lady somehow got me out of my boots and into a dressing room. Next thing I knew I was buying a damn dress. Luckily it was only about 30 bucks. While I was there I figured I might as well try to find my NYE dress.

Of all the stores in all the world, I wandered into the store where the employees were obviously trained by Hitler! The power of persuasion is a BITCH! How they managed to get me to change my ENTIRE vision of what I wanted to wear I will never know.

Not only did they get me to try on a dress I didn't even like to begin with... I BOUGHT IT! They doubled teamed me like Kobe in a play off game! I was even more pissed because the customer in the next dressing room jumped in too. Lady, stay on your side of the curtain unless you putting in on my purchase!

So now I have 3 women in my ear, with this magical lights that made me look like Victoria Beckham, knowing damn well when I left the house I needed my hair, eyebrows and everything else done! THEN they tell me about the 20% sale! Evil WITCHES! Now, as I walk over with my expensive ass dress that I have somehow come to LOVE... I'm on the phone transferring funds! Keep in mind... I still have no official destination for NYE/My Bday. Help Meeeee... Damn you sales people!!!

Signed,
A Retail Addict

Feel My WRATH!!!


They say there is nothing like a woman SCORNED. Well, last night my friend of 15 years (makes me sound sooooo old huh?) called me up with this type of conversation:

"Are you in LA? I need you to come with me on a late night mission to F&@K this bastard up!!!"

Of course you give someone 15 years of your life... with no questions asked I told her to come pick me up when she was ready. True to a pissed off broad, she was there in 7 minutes FLAT!!! (Where the hell was she? In my bushes outside?) Being the mastermind that I am, I suggest we calm down and just go stake out (have it her way and I'd be blogging from a collect call lol). We take my car, grab some food and stake out. Sure enough this IDIOT still hasn't sent the floosey home.

We aren't completely IGNORANT (atleast not anymore... I kid, I kid) so we didn't touch her little rinky dink car. Can't fault her for being a slore (slut/whore). So we wait... and wait and wait. All the while I am watching my friend go from zero to 60 BILLION as time passes. Out of no where she climbs in the back of my truck and snatches a bat out of my trunk (batting cages people... I dont just go around Jazmine Sullivaning people's windows). The only response that my brain could put together was "OHHHHH FUCK"

Luckily she wasn't about to kick his door in and beat the bald off of him! She just had the bat as a ... hmmmm..... "warning shot." Tells his nephew he might want to come reconcile before she loses it. Too scared to open the door (hmmm, I wonder why... crazy girlfriend with bat, maybe?), she gets mad and "Let's go!"

Is it over? NOT HARDLY... now the good stuff... 15 mins later I find myself in a checkout stand buying a permanent marker and eggs. The checker looks too scared to ring us up. Crazy lady (my friend lol) tells the checker straight up "We don't need a bag and don't cheat."

Now that his nephew is on the look out for my truck, we call up another friend (it's 12:30am) to use his car to do the dirt. We gave him a solid 13 years of friendship so... Out of his bed, with the TV remote still in hand. We go do the dirt and make the get away.

Is my friend satisfied?!?! HELL NO!!! So at 3am we go back in a 3rd car change so she can write a letter on his door as to why she did it. Fast forward to 10am, his car is fixed, I'm sleepy and he still loves her.



WTFFFFFFFF!!!!! (no question marks needed)

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Dear Christian Louboutin,


I love these!!! Shout out to Gossip Girl's Blake Lively for making
the coordination so subtle and classy! She matched the velvet textures (hard to see because of the black glitter, but its around the opening of the shoe) and not the glitter ones! "Me Likey"
Ahhhhhkaayyyyyy

Friday, December 4, 2009

Tiger... Tiger Woods yaaaaaall!!!


I said I was NOT gonna touch on this topic because sooooo many have BUT I have a few other opinions outside of what TIGER did. Let's talk about his wife & mistresses (yes, more than one)

First things first... Men cheat. It happens. Hell, women cheat. It happens. No need to bust out his window with HIS golf club. Make him pay privately at home. That way you can guilt him into a 4million dollar "I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry, baby" ring and a Lambo rebuilt with an automatic engine.(Hey Vanessa, girl!) Like seriously, who do you marry after Tiger? You'll get money but you'll never get revenge so you might as well stay and fix your MARRIAGE. (Marriage takes different tolerances than "my boo" and "my baby")


Now for "Voicemail Hoe." Why would you blow up his whole spot?!?! Sooo money hungry for that quick million, she released his voicemail?!?! As the mistress you are guaranteed NOTHING! So if you are gonna play the role, PLAY THE ROLE! When Tiger called to tell her to change her voicemail she should have said "I'll change my NUMBER!" I'm sure she was well taken care of so why fuck it off? We're in a recession honey! You aren't getting 8 figure bookdeals! Sorry, "Voicemail Hoe" you lose... thanks for playing. (Shoutout to Nina for the quote)

And my fav... "Silent Hoe." This heffa right here hasn't said didly SQUAT. She is as quite as Chris Brown at a police questioning! Anddddd here's why: "I don't like to gossip so you ain't hear it from me" but she's a professional mistress. She's been linked to Tiger Woods, Derek Jeter and AROD MONEYYYYY Alex Rodriguez. Highest paid athlete (Tiger) and highest paid baseball player in history (Arod)?!?!?! When DEREK JETER is your "budget boo" you're doing alright. She's making Superhead's shenanigens look like child's play. So, "Silent Hoe" we see you boo! *ghetto voice* If you're gonna hoe, do it right!


Oh I forgot about "Tryna Get Some Shine Hoe".... she was a jump-off... No real attachment. She is just trying to get attention #killyourself

REAL OR FAKE?


I had actually planned on doing this tomorrow but why not do it today...

I have figured out how to crack the meaning behind the serial numbers on Louis Vuitton bags. So they arent just random numbers nor is it the number at which it was manufactured. In fact the numbers on the bag MEAN SOMETHING!!! Cracking the code is easy... but there's more than one soooooo heeeerrreeee we go *Slick Rick Voice*

FACT: Louis Vuitton doesn't have "Model Numbers" not even in vintage styles

1)Any bag that is labeled "Vintage" will NOT have a serial code ANYWHERE on the bag if it was made before 1980

2)If the bag is "French Company for Louis Vuitton" there will be no code. The French Luggage Company did not use date codes or serial numbers, so these pieces have neither
.

NOW THE HARD STUFF ("HARD" where?!?!? lolol I kid, I kid):

3)If the bag was made between 1980-1989 the bags have a 3- or 4-digit code FOLLOWED by 2 letters, which indicate the factory of orgin (letters came in the late 80's). The first 2 digits are the year and the last 1 or 2 indicate the manufacturing date. The first 2 digits are always higher than 80. The last 1 or 2 digits are always between 1 and 31.

4) If the bag was made after 1990 the 2 letters moved to the front of line

5) Also in the 1990's the numbers changed meaning to month and year

6) By the time the mid/late 1990's hit, the code changed again. This time the date is staggered. The first and third numbers are the year, while the second and fourth numbers are the month.

So.... I know it was pretty confusing but there it is in a nutshell. There is rumor that the code on some bags have changed again!

7)Apparently, some bags are coded with the year and week instead of month.



Yall, checking your bags RIGHT now huh?


Ladies & Gentlemen.... My 1st Post!!!



Well, 2009 was an interesting year. I got a raise at work, then I got laid off. I moved to Puerto Rico, then I got sent packing. I attempted to start a magazine, then decided to sell drugs but I couldn't figure that one out... I was sad. So, I moved out of my apartment and in with my cousin. He's on S.W.A.T. so my first week living there was like going to ninja school. I needed to learn all the rounds in certain guns, how to load them, where they were etc etc. Keep in mind, we live in the OC. A steel gate to get in the front door and you have to swim through a lake to get to the backdoor, why we need 63 guns... I'll never know. Then I got a new job that is far as hell but they gave me a laptop. Somewhere along my drive to work I decided I want to go back to school for law... So, here I am blogging about the fuckery that is my life. All of the above was said in humor and sarcasm... I just have a dead pan sense of humor... I'm laughing on the inside. You'll see in the video blogs.... Alrighty love you bastards who tuned in... this will be fun.... ahhhhhhhkkkkkaayyyyyyyy